Tuesday, July 12, 2011


there is so much on my mind i feel like it's a huge weight on both my shoulder bearing down. im really not sure what to do, i wish god would give me a sign something, im just about ready to throw my hands in the air and say forget this. Spending the week with jimmy last week made me realize alot, made me really miss having a true relationship and having someone around. but i feel like my emotions are being toyed with sometimes, and i don't like that one bit. I pour my heart out, and i try to be myself, but it sometimes seems as like im not good enough. i don't know, i really don't know. stressing over it makes me so tired. i think i am really falling for him, but only falling for being disappointed and upset like always. i wish he would just put his big boy pants on and just stop feeding me the bs. even talking about it makes my heart race because i know i shouldn't be getting my heart involved. but it's way to late...
i wish he would just grab me and tell me, hey your my girl and i want everyone to know, i wanna be with you, and i wanna make you happy. but for some reason i feel as if that will never happen. i keep saying i want someone to love me, to make me happy, and to be there for me for the right reasons. i don't want to rush love, i want it to find me, but dang it sure would be nice to have it now. is this gods way of telling me that someone is coming for me, to just wait, that giving me heartache is only going to make me love stronger, and that he wants me to get my life situated before getting someone else involved in it?? im not sure but like i said i pray for him to give me a sign so i know so i can stop looking, so i can make my heat stop hurting.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

lebt fur den augenblick...

i have alot on my mind right now and when i mean alot i really mean alot. I wonder where life is going to take me down the narrow and bumpy path sometimes, and i wonder if it will ever straighten out and be smooth ever again. maybe? i guess im just an impatient person and want life to unfold right in front of me at this very moment, but then im told not to rush things that good things come to those who wait...well maybe i don't want to wait =(
i also have realized this week that the male mind is very different then what i thought it was. ive never been talked to nor disrespected the way i was on monday by a person whom i though would never say things to hurt me or push me to the point where i felt like i would have to say hurtful things. i thought jimmy was my best friend but i guess not. Sometimes i just wish we could go back from the beginning to change the relationship we had at that time or changed the events that happened because i feel like alot of our communication problems have derivied from that situation. and also our communication problems have alot to do with the kind of people we are, we are both cancers, were both quiet and reserved, and sometimes that hinders our relationship because we don't want to say something to upset the other person, but when we do finally say something it's been building up for so long that we blow up on each other, and eventually end up make each other want to rip each others heads off. all i know is i want our relationship to change from what it is now to a health communicable one, after all we do have alot going on and in 7 months those communication skills have to be top notch or were not gonna be able to make it.
Maddie turned 2 on monday, were has the time gone. I feel as if i was being rushed to have a csection to deliver a baby girl who would be 3 months premature, now i have a beautiful healthy toddler who weighs right at 30 lbs. i thank god every day for blessing me with just a sweet child! i never had a doubt in the back of my mind that she wouldn't make it 2 years ago. she came out fussing and fighting from day 1. god knew what he was doing when he brought her into my life, now if he could only help me fix who i am or help me find me.
if you can't tell im in a silent depression. i've lost everything i had, i lost what i thought was a family, my happiness was stolen from me 3 years ago by someone who was very selfish and only cared about himself, and love was taken from me (the value of love, and the meaning). i just don't know where to start my new life at. I think it's gonna start with school, making myself happy, and giving maddie everything she could ever want. something has to change and someone has to help me change or im not gonna be able to push on any longer.

Friday, June 24, 2011


so i haven't had time to finish my last post but im going to this weekend!!!

but here's on to a new one for the time being.
I am so tired of having so called friends who are pretty much nothing to me. i hint around that i want to hang out or what not and they pretty much blow me off. im so ready to get up and out of this town and move on to some place where i can be much more happier, and find better people who i can auctually call friends.
and also i feel like all guys are after only one thing after awhile it gets kinda of old, and i know what kind of game everyone is trying to throw around. well it doesn't work anymore. all men in my eyes are the same except for a select few. which is really sad.

Monday, June 20, 2011

life has been a bumpy road

ever had the feeling that you wish you could build a time machine and go back and just change your whole life? sometimes i do..i regret some of the decision that i have made in life, and also most of my childhood. Although they say you are who you are from what you experience in life.
with me i sometimes don't feel that way, i don't feel like i have become from the things i have went through in life nor the decisions that i have made. i just feel like i am me, that i have become who i was suppose to, and i am living the miserable life that i was suppose to be living.

going to bed don't feel like finishing this right now.

is this what its suppose to be like?

sometimes its like i feel like giving up completely on everything, nothing ever goes the way you want it to or hoped it would go. and i know the reason why i am the person i am is becasue of my past, and i want so badly to change the person i am to be able to look foward to the future i am going to have. But i feel like i've been boxed in to a dead end road and can't find my way out. So i've decided to start changing my ways and how i approach every situation, and how i approach life.
I feel as if for me to provide my daughter with the life that she truly deserves i need to go back to school and get the education that is gonna allow me to excell and enjoy what i do 8-10 hours a day, because right now that is just not happening. Her father is no help at all, he hasn't even seen her since feburary, and he's not going to as far as i am concerned. All he ever did while we were together was use me, used me for a place to live, and a place to sleep, and be able to live comfortable and have everything that he wanted at the time. im glad he went to jail when he did i just wish he would have went sooner so i could have moved on with my life alot faster. But luckily i am doing that now, even though i am in debt from him pinching every dime he could out of me, im going to get back up on my feet in time. im just thankful for the parents that i have who have supported me and who have allowed me to come back home and given me and maddisyn a place to live. if it wasn't for them i don't know where i would be right now...
it's been really hard for me to trust again too, i feel like im wanting to rush myself to find someone who can truly make me happy. but all i really want to do is just fall in love. i wanna be the kinda love you see in the movies, i know sad right because when watch those movies i laugh because honestly i think to myself there really isn't anything like that out there...or is there? i guess i shouldn't rush it but damn't i want it now! like they say good things come to those who wait, i guess i better get to waiting.