Wednesday, June 29, 2011

lebt fur den augenblick...

i have alot on my mind right now and when i mean alot i really mean alot. I wonder where life is going to take me down the narrow and bumpy path sometimes, and i wonder if it will ever straighten out and be smooth ever again. maybe? i guess im just an impatient person and want life to unfold right in front of me at this very moment, but then im told not to rush things that good things come to those who wait...well maybe i don't want to wait =(
i also have realized this week that the male mind is very different then what i thought it was. ive never been talked to nor disrespected the way i was on monday by a person whom i though would never say things to hurt me or push me to the point where i felt like i would have to say hurtful things. i thought jimmy was my best friend but i guess not. Sometimes i just wish we could go back from the beginning to change the relationship we had at that time or changed the events that happened because i feel like alot of our communication problems have derivied from that situation. and also our communication problems have alot to do with the kind of people we are, we are both cancers, were both quiet and reserved, and sometimes that hinders our relationship because we don't want to say something to upset the other person, but when we do finally say something it's been building up for so long that we blow up on each other, and eventually end up make each other want to rip each others heads off. all i know is i want our relationship to change from what it is now to a health communicable one, after all we do have alot going on and in 7 months those communication skills have to be top notch or were not gonna be able to make it.
Maddie turned 2 on monday, were has the time gone. I feel as if i was being rushed to have a csection to deliver a baby girl who would be 3 months premature, now i have a beautiful healthy toddler who weighs right at 30 lbs. i thank god every day for blessing me with just a sweet child! i never had a doubt in the back of my mind that she wouldn't make it 2 years ago. she came out fussing and fighting from day 1. god knew what he was doing when he brought her into my life, now if he could only help me fix who i am or help me find me.
if you can't tell im in a silent depression. i've lost everything i had, i lost what i thought was a family, my happiness was stolen from me 3 years ago by someone who was very selfish and only cared about himself, and love was taken from me (the value of love, and the meaning). i just don't know where to start my new life at. I think it's gonna start with school, making myself happy, and giving maddie everything she could ever want. something has to change and someone has to help me change or im not gonna be able to push on any longer.

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